As kids grow, navigating social situations can feel like exploring a whole new world without a map. One of the most effective frameworks we can give them to navigate this world is the concept of Expected vs. Unexpected behaviors.

Derived from Social Thinking® methodologies (the creators behind The Zones of Regulation), this concept moves away from rigid "good vs. bad" labels. Instead, it focuses on how our actions impact the people around us and the environment we are in.

Here is a breakdown of how to introduce this game-changing concept to the kids in your life.

1. What Are "Expected" Behaviors?

Expected behaviors are the things we do and say that fit the situation we are in. They are the unwritten rules of a space that help everything run smoothly.

When kids exhibit expected behaviors, it gives the people around them comfortable thoughts and feelings.

• In the classroom: Raising a hand to speak, listening to the teacher, and keeping hands to oneself.

• At the dinner table: Using a napkin, staying seated, and saying "please" and "thank you."

• The Impact: It helps kids feel safe, included, and ready to learn or play.

2. What Are "Unexpected" Behaviors?

On the flip side, unexpected behaviors are actions or words that don’t quite fit the situation or the environment.

When someone exhibits an unexpected behavior, it can cause the people around them to have uncomfortable thoughts or feel confused, stressed, or distracted.

• Examples: Yelling in a quiet library, running away from a group activity, or interrupting someone who is speaking.

• A Gentle Reminder: It’s vital to teach kids that everyone does something unexpected from time to time! The goal isn't perfection; it's awareness and learning how to reset.

3. The "Green Zone" Connection

To help kids successfully practice expected behaviors, they need to check in with their internal engine. This is where the Green Zone comes in.

The Green Zone represents a state of being calm, focused, happy, and ready to learn. When a child is in the Green Zone, they are much better equipped to manage their body and mind:

• Eyes: Looking at the speaker or task.

• Shoulders & Body: Facing the group.

• Hands & Feet: Calm and in a safe space.

Tip: Before expecting a child to follow a social expectation, help them co-regulate into the Green Zone first.

4. Expected vs. Unexpected: Quick Comparison

Situation                                             Expected Behavior 👍                                                         Unexpected Behavior 👎

Listening to a story                Sitting quietly, looking at the book.                      Shouting out, walking away.

Playing a board game            Waiting your turn, celebrating others.                  Flipping the board, quitting early.

Working in a group                Sharing materials, listening to ideas.                   Taking over, ignoring teammates.

5. Reflection: Why Does This Matter?

Teaching this concept isn't about enforcing strict obedience; it's about building empathy and self-awareness. To wrap up a lesson or a conversation on this topic, ask kids to reflect on these three powerful questions:

1. Why are expected behaviors important? (They help us make friends, stay safe, and help everyone learn.)

2. How do unexpected behaviors make others feel? (They can make others feel sad, frustrated, or distracted.)

3. How do expected behaviors make others feel? (They make people feel happy, safe, and comfortable around us.)

Final Thought: By framing behaviors as "expected" or "unexpected," we give children a clear, non-judgmental vocabulary to understand social dynamics. It empowers them to pause, think about the situation, and choose actions that build strong, positive connections with the world around them.

Let's Chat!

How do you teach social expectations in your classroom or home? Do you use visual charts or role-playing? Let me know in the comments below!